better late than never
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: terrible commercial radio station

So this blog was supposed to be 'the diary of the bride'. The problem is that brides-to-be are among the busiest women in the world. So... The wedding was a little over a month ago, and I married the love of my life. That sounds so soppy; go ahead and have a puke if you need to, but I'm so happy that I don't give a damn. Ha!

Every night we talk to each-other for hours, never running out of things to say. We go to work together in the mornings on the train and hold hands. We play with the kids every second weekend and we email each-other all day long. We have started replying to people in tandem and sharing the same thoughts. I have never had this before and I am scared witless of losing it. I feel like I will never be alone again; I know that I will always have a friend.

The wedding flew past us in a blur. It was beautiful and a lot of fun - my favourite cousin got so drunk she fell over and couldn't get back up again, and my mate who's a cross dresser caught the bouquet! The kids all ran out onto the bowling green and played lawn bowls (the reception was at a recreation club). We smiled so much our faces hurt. Bear didn't have the keys to get into his car and my overnight bag was in there, so he smashed out the back window and we jumped into a cab. We are still picking glass out of the back seats.

The wedding night was spectacular. I will never forget it. My husband is a fox.

We spent our honeymoon trekking through the jungles of Sabah, Borneo. We scuba dived at Pulau Sipidan with turtles and sharks! And now we're back to the real world, working in the city. I've found it wierd being called by a new name. And a couple of ex boyfriends have come out of the woodwork to express their congratulations; this is also wierd.

I'm starting to suspect that Bear might have psychic powers. I will elaborate when I have more proof.

Having my beliefs about the absurdity and futility of romantic love completely shattered, I am beginning to re-evaluate a lot of other beliefs that I've held on to for a long time. I have been a cynical person, but if there's love, then maybe there are unicorns too.

I write less when I'm happy :-)

Behaviour
Mood:  amorous

I keep getting emails from / running into ex-boyfriends. The other day I saw one and gave him a hug without even thinking how that would make Bear feel - I was a bit off-balance from running into him. I need to seriously think about how my contact with these people may affect his feelings. I don't give a damn about them any more. I don't even want to take the slightest risk of making him feel insecure. Do I need to learn how to 'act like a wife'? Maybe a part of it is my sense of independence keeps on egging me on to do things despite how they might make him feel, like I'm a little afraid of losing my sense of self. Bugger that - I never liked myself much anyway before I met Bear. I'll make a new self if that's the case. Does that make sense?

At the moment I'm supposed to be packing the house while he's at work, but I just went through his old photo album from when Alex was a baby and it made me feel kinda emotional. Bear looks so in love with that gorgeous little baby and I get pangs that he wasn't my baby, that I wasn't there in the picture with them, only Bear's ex who ended up hurting him so brutally. I hate it that I wasn't there. You just have to keep reminding yourself that the reason we found each-other in the first place is because we had been through such bad experiences, and that's also the reason that we were ready for each-other. If I hadn't been through some of the crap that I have, I wouldn't be the same person.

Our therapist gave us an exercise to do together and we had a go at it last night. You sit close together and study each-other's faces, and touch is restricted to non-sexual places. It made me feel very emotional, and a little bit uncomfortable - like there was a big knot in my chest and I found it hard to breathe. And then we started kissing and that was the end of that! Lol... We will work on it :-)

Got to go now and be a good girl, there's boxes to be packed and plans to make...

sleeplessness
Mood:  cool

Bear and the boys are asleep and I'm awake with "Wig in a box" doing circles in my head. I'm having a shot of whiskey to try and get tired, although I hate the stuff. It's been a very busy day. I made play-doh with the kids and then Alex and I used green food colouring to make spaghetti worms. A food fight inevitably ensued. It was a good day but I'm feeling drained.

We need to move house on the 14th, which is Jimmy's birthday, and the wedding is on the 29th. Things are moving at breakneck speed. I am finding it hard to keep track of what I have and haven't done, what I need and what I want, where am I and where do I need to be and who the hell do I think I am, anyway? Still, I'm very much in love.

Bear is the end of the holy trinity of lions and tigers, and I'm a little pissed that I didn't meet him years ago. "Where have you been?" he says, and I joke, "Primary school." He will never, ever let me down, he will never hurt me, and he will always love me. He is larger than life, oh my.

The reason I'm writing is so that I can get these thoughts out of my head so they'll let me sleep. I haven't had much time for introspection lately. I love it when that happens. Still I'm feeling cut off and afloat in a deep blue ocean - as I said, not sure who I am at the moment; only what I feel.

When I'm with him I don't worry about the future at all. We have no jobs, we will soon have no house, we are not sure what to expect tomorrow, but I just have this feeling that everything is going to be perfectly fine. But when I'm alone and awake at night, I do worry. I wonder if we'll be ok up at the mines, if I can even get us jobs up there; I worry that he won't follow his dreams and be as happy as he can be, and I worry that I won't follow mine and finish university as well as manage a family and a home. I worry about where we are going to live and how we're going to create the alternative lifestyle that we both want. I worry about the boys, and whether I'm being a good stepmother. And I worry about the world.

 And let's not even go into the wedding...

It's been remarkably low-stress so far but it's getting so close that I'm having to really think about losing my love handles for the dress and organising the last-minute details. Florist arrangements, wine lists, suit hire... I kind of wish we had money so I could hire somebody to do it all for me. Isn't that what mothers are for? Oh, don't get me started...

I'm going to try and get some shut eye.

;)

 

Welcome
Mood:  vegas lucky

Hi. My name is Emma and I'm getting married in just over a month.

I met the most wonderful man under scandalous circumstances, which I may or may not tell you about, around November. Let's call him Bear.

This diary will be a record of the florist-organising, the suit-hiring, the purchasing of expensive bomboneires, but most importantly the thoughts that are going through my head as I come to terms with belonging to this man, who I love, and all the silly ideas that I'm sure my brain will come up with along the way.

Firstly; we had a couple of beers at the Como hotel this afternoon and on the back of a toilet door it read, "What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?"

We then proceeded to pre-marriage counselling, which is a great idea and not at all indicative of any problems - it helps you to learn how to be married, which is good because neither of us has done that before - all prepared to tell the psychologist that we can't afford to have any more sessions with her, and she brought out a giant diagram of the anatomy of a woman (where it counts, boys) - and I said to Bear, "We have to keep seeing this lady!" He agreed.

Right now I'm doing the blog equivalent of drunk-dialling so I'll get myself off to bed and tell you some more tomorrow, if you're lucky.

 :-) Emma